How to cope with a cheating wife.?

We've been married 7 yrs with a 3 yr old son. She has a long commute and a new job that allows her a secure phone and email. I noticed strange things and was suspicious. I placed voice recorder in the car one day and heard her tell some other man (on speaker phone) she loved him and they talked about their recent hook-up and a lot of other things. (he's married too) She says that it is a Karmic thing and that she had no choice in her feelings and acting on them. We are trying to move on. I have given her extra time, over a week now, to end it. It's killing me, but I love her and our marriage. She has dragged my soul through the mud this week with little apparent remorse. She has more regard for his feelings it seems. I'm so lost and confused right now...I doubt she has broken it off because of how strongly she feels for this guy. Our marriage wasn't perfect but she says she was happy and still loves me and that I did nothing wrong. She says she wasn't looking for anything but couldn't ignore how much alike she is to this guy. How do I respond to someone who says she felt she had no choice and it was Karma? I how do I get her to admit that it was wrong and that she needs something that I haven't been providing somehow? THank you all in advance.How to cope with a cheating wife.?
It is this simple.


The ability to repair the damage of infidelity betrayal is difficult at best.





Without a complete break with the other guy and remorse for the activity it becomes impossible.





No ones marriage is perfect. Do we suppose his was if he is banging your wife? How about a statement like ';he is not the villain you think he is';. Who is the villain here?





Were I in your shoes it must start with,


You must break off all contact with this guy, ALL contact. If you even run into him on the street you will tell me where when and what was said. If you cannot do this we are through and you are free to pack your bags and get out of my house.


This must be stated firmly and you must mean it.


She no longer gets it both ways. Stop and stay or continue and get out.





THEN- You go to the local bookstore and get a book, ';After The Affair'; by Janice Spring. Its about $15.00 in paperback and will detail the things you should do in a step by step way. The most important section is the one regarding trust and how to rebuild what is now lost.





Take some time to let things play out and do not act rashly.


You are still in shock after being kicked in the gut.





Start with an unequivocal statement that she must decide immediately , HIM OR ME and that she cease all contact if she is to stay.


You must take a little time to assess remorse or lack of some.





In a week decide if there is something worth saving and schedule counceling or start packing HER stuff.








The best advice you will receive here is this, GET THE BOOK, read it.








No one can tell you how difficult working through this will be much like they cannot tell you how hard breaking up will be.


';Leave Her'; is no more helpful than ';Forgive Her';.


This is about YOU and what you want now.


She has given up her right to consideration. Remember that.


It is time for you to take over and start defining what you want in order for you to allow her to remain married to you.





There are far to many feelings thoughts and options right now.


Take a deep breath.


Get the book. It has far more good information than this post can offer.





Lastly, you cannot cope with a cheating wife. The affair must stop immediately. If not you have no marriage and must prepare for that reality.








Edit- Be fully aware that you had some contribution to her thought process which caused this. This realization need only be approached in therapy and recognising your own input is a requirement for getting over it. This is for therapy. Right now


you need not accept ANY blame unless you were abusive.


My point is that she is still trying to avoid her responsibility and placing the blame elsewhere.


She is the one who needs to come to the realization that her activity was wrong and she is responsible for her own actions. Until that happens there should be NO discussion of your blame. She had an opportunity to describe you issues and work on them long before she unzipped her dress. That ability to blame you now is off the table. Its time for her to face up to her reality, liar and cheat. Until that happens you have no basis to move forward together.





Good LuckHow to cope with a cheating wife.?
FIRST... do not believe your wife had no choice but to cheat. We all have choices to make everyday. The CONSEQUENCES should be taken strongly into consideration as to how we choose to make our decision. SECONDLY...Your wife is using Karma as a very poor excuse. Hope you can do what is best for you and your son.
Dude that same karma is telling you to move on. You don't deserve to be treated this way and she doesn't deserve you. You'll go through a period of time that's going to be rough but then life becomes good again. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on.
Dude,


I know it must hurt right now but seriously you have to act to protect yourself and your son from her behavior. You don't have to settle for this, move on.
Yeah, so why are you still with her? If she cares more about his feelings, it means you're irrelevant to the big picture, man. Seriously. She's going to continue to make a mockery of you if you keep this up.
As a man, hats off to you for still loving her. That shows unconditional love, even though it hurts so much.





Please, please, rent the movie Fireproof and watch it with her tonight.





Don't delay!
You need to make a list together to see what gaps there are between you.
where do you get one of the voice recorders and how do you put it someplace without it being noticed...
I am sorry sir,but your wife is in love with that stud. she is gone.
Leave her. Get 50% custody of your son. Tell her it's Karma, you can't help it.
This is what old school calls the seven year inch, which latest only for about two or three weeks. If this has been going on longer than she want her cake and wants to eat it too. As long as you will sit buy and allow this to continue she will never stop. I feel if a person has to cheat


they should have never gotten married, because their are not ready for the true commitment that comes with the I do.


I have been married for twenty years,and the way my husband and I look at each other is like the day we got married. If your wife or you don't look at each other as if to say I love you without a spoken word than seek the best marriage counselor which is the Almighty God, believe me he will tell you what to do and when to do it. with a little faith your answer will be in seconds.
You love her and your marriage and you've proved it. However, she says she does but she doesn't and she's proved it as well. Don't stay with her anymore. It doesn't seem like she'll change her ways, if it's not this guy, it'll be the next. She stepped on your soul and your dignity enough, pick up the pieces and leave, she made her choices when she failed to stick with you and your wedding vows. If not for you, do it for your son. He deserves better.
Oh my God what excuses will they come up with next. She has her head in the clouds and is lost at the moment to the reality of the pain she is causing. First of all you need to drop her work phone in the sink (by accident of course) At this point I don't think she has any inclination to get away from the relationship. It all seems unreal to her (which it is) she does not have to wash his undies clean the toilet at his house talk about money issues and the kids etc etc etc. these are the things we do with the people we really love even when we don't realise how much we love them because we are blinded by something pretend. There is a fantastic site called survivinginfidelity.com which you must go to. There is a section called the healing library (corny name I know) great advice and very accurate. It may come down to you telling her to leave or taking your child and leaving yourself for her to realise just what a fool she is being. Unfortunately at some point you are going to have to play hardball so be ready eg bank accounts, family support etc. Also one of the best things you can do is bring the affair out into the open as with out the secrecy part the affair is far less appealing. Let her know you are going to tell her family and yours and ask her how she thinks your son will feel about this when he is old enough to know. If there is anyway you can tell the wife of the other stupid fool then please do so.
Sounds to me like your wife is selfish. She wants to have her cake and eat it to. You cannot get her to admit it was wrong if she thinks what she's doing is ok.





A women will only do what you allow them to do. Grow a backbone and make her choose. She messed up not you, so don't let her have all the power. If she wants to be with you she will end it. In the end it's up to you whether you want to be married to a cheater or not.





Good luck to you
Karma is a load of crap. Maybe she does still love you, but she does not respect you enough to act right. And whether or not she feels remorse for her actions, she does know that it's wrong. And in knowing that it's wrong, she will view you as weak and pathetic for accepting and forgiving when she cannot even come to terms with it herself (the BS karma excuse). Sorry, but I see very little chance to repair this. She simply wants to stray and wants to find romances elsewhere even though you did nothing wrong. That's just how she is, no matter what she wants to call it or how she wants to rationalize it. For the sake of your own feelings, I would say let her go now before things get worse. It's probably one of the most difficult things you can possibly do, but it's necessary to avoid/prevent the stress, frustration, and emotional torment you will feel when she keeps up this behavior and escalates to something worse.
Hi. I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through... Unfortunately, if you would like to work towards a better marriage, the work-- at first, at least-- will have to come from you working on yourself. (I'm not talking about blaming you or her here.) You admit your marriage wasn't perfect. Good, that seems honest. Well, what's your part in the breakdown of your marriage relationship? Be very honest with yourself.





Since love in its true sense is absolutely not controlling, you cannot control your wife or what she does. You cannot make another person you love do something (i.e, you cannot ';get her to admit'; or put your ';extra time'; constraints on her... etc.). Would you rather see that she comes back to the marriage because of her love for you or because of guilt, money, fear, etc. What is the best foundation for a healed marriage?





Your wife has choices. From what you've given here, she's made a choice governed soley by her Wanting, without consideration as to how it affects you or your son. Right now, it seems, she cannot see clearly. Given what you say in this question, it's hard to tell how truthful she is If she's freely willing to see a marriage counselor with you, that would be a positive step. It's not necessary for the moment, though, for your relationship and your marriage to recover.





You have choices as well. Have you considered a counselor to help you work through your confusion, especially if you love her and respect your marriage commitment %26amp; family? A counselor would perhaps help you to know how to respond-- basically, help you answer what you will and will not live with-- and help you deal with something that most certainly will take a lot of time and work.





I wish you and your family well.
First off, Im sorry your going through this. BUT you need to tell your wife she made a commitment to you. You cant let her have her cake and eat it too. Leave, or tell her to, depending on who is the main care taker for your child. Tell her she needs to make a choice, and she needs to prove to you she loves you and wants this marriage to work. If she was Truly in love with you she would want you and only you. She may not be able to help how she feels about that other man, but she didn't have to act on her feelings. She sounds as if she thinks she did nothing wrong. Im sorry, but I would leave, and make her come to you, if she doesn't make a good Menes for the child, and start working on repairing your heart. Its not too late to start again. But why would you want her? She broke your vows and she didn't even end the relationship yet. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Im sorry. Good luck.
Dear Buddy,





First of all one to one relationship is the best one. If that is not followed atleast after one's marriage, it has to be one to one and there is no doubt and question about it. Give her time to change this odd habit and if she does not change, **** her and forget her.





Better moments ahead.





Best of Luck %26amp; May God Bless





Senthil EG Iyappan





27 Aug 09





Source : Self
Her ';reason'; is a very sorry excuse for the selfish choice that she made. Not only has this choice hurt you terribly but it will hurt your son. It is commendable that you are so committed to this marriage but you can't make someone love you or admit that they are wrong. My only suggestion would be to ask her if she would go to marriage counseling with you. If she still loves you and her son than she would be more than willing to go and maybe you can both figure out if and why needs aren't being met and what you both can do to make your marriage stronger and better. If she does this and you can forgive her completely than your marriage will be stronger. I guess the question that you need to ask yourself is can you forgive her and will you be able to trust her again? Only you can answer that.





If she refuses than there is nothing you can do. You have to make the choice to put up with her infidelity or separate and take your son with you. The choice is really yours, not hers.





There is a book out called ';The Love Dare'; and it is from the movie ';Fireproof';. Both are absolutely wonderful and you should check them both out. There is also a book called ';Love and Respect'; which is awesome as well.





I wish you the best in this.
She cheated on you, and blamed it on fate. Fate her butt right out the door. You are never going to get her admit that she was wrong. Sorry I just don't see it. If I cheated on my wife and said I love you, but sorry I couldn't ignore karma, she would kick my butt, then kick me out.





You know she was wrong, and you are fishing for her to admit a mistake she doesn't think she made.
I know this is hard on you knowing that you still love her and all. But is she disrespects you and her son like that shes not worth it, Clearly she was not thinking when she decided to get intimate witht his guy and is letting her lower brain do the thinking and not her brain or her heart. She has clearly is willing to drop everything to be with this guy and the sad part is she doesnt think of her son and his right to have a family. I suggest you seperate from her and take the kid with you. That way maybe she will realize what shes doing to her family. Good luck.
FIRST OF ALL...there is no such thing as karma. Bottom line is she fell for another guy. Whatever her reasons were, they were. What you need to do is ask her WHY( not this karma cop out) she fell for this guy. Was he charming, sexy, or just new and exciting. Did she really fall or just loved the thrill? Ask her how she would feel if you had an affair as well. If she says she wouldnt care, then your marriage is beyond help. Either way, for the sake of your child you need to straiten it out.
JW, Why should she break it off when you aren't going anywhere anyway and she can have both of you? You teach people how to treat you and you are teaching her that you don't believe that your feelings matter. Karma would have you out cheating on her right now. What she did has nothing at all to do with Karma. Selfishness, Yes. Weakness, Oh Yes. Lack of self-respect and morals, Yes Yes. But even more than all of that, her lack of respect, compassion and empathy for you says it all. The fact is she's already gone and you are the one that she's having the problem breaking up with. I think that's pretty clear.


The only thing that I think she's being honest with you about is that you've done nothing wrong. Usually when people get caught cheating they are all too fast to try to lay the blame at someone else's feet, and this is the one thing I give her credit for not doing. But seriously, if she was looking she was eventually going to find something and she always will. This guy won't be her last either, because she's an opportunist. There's always going to be someone come along that ';seems'; more perfect.


If you'll let her go and show her your strength she may be back, but desperation is not an attractive quality in anyone. What you need to do is tell her to go, Tell her that you love her enough to want her to be as happy as possible and if that means letting her go then you'll do that. You wish her well but you won't play games with her. She can't come to you with problems or for money or anything else. Should she ever figure out the mistake she's made, it will be up to her to figure out how to regain your trust and somehow convince you that she's worthy.


Then you need to get busy healing and rebuilding your life, making new friends, etc. Show her what you are made of and that you know that you deserve better than what she's giving you now.


But the longer you allow yourself to remain like this the more pathetic you are going to appear to her.