Would you forgive your husband if he admitted to cheating before you were married?

After many (good) years of marriage and several children, my husband decided it would be best to admit that while we were exclusively (I thought) dating for the many years we dated before we were married, he cheated on me with more than ten different women over a five year period. Just before the first ';other woman'; I was worried about his behavior and asked him, point blank, if he were cheating. He replied ';No, I would never do that to you, I love you too much';. Like an idiot, I believed him and he kept lying, cheating, lying, cheating. Of course I never knew, never even suspected really, because he (I thought) was an honest, upstanding person who I thought really loved me.


He said he ';wondered if there was anyone better out there'; and even said that he thought I was cheating so it was okay for him to cheat too. (I wasn't by the way.) He's even had the gall to say that because he sowed all his wild oats then, he's never ';needed'; to cheat on me during our marriage.


The thing that kills me is that he's expelling this information onto me like so much chunky vomit and now expecting me to not really care. Should I care? Am I wrong to feel hurt, betrayed, heartbroken and as if I'm not sure of anything he says or has said in the past many years of our marriage? How do you cope with such a huge past betrayal and just get over it? Until this big revelation, I never even suspected that he ever cheated on me. But now I wonder how many more times he has and how I can ever trust my judgment in believing in him. I know that if he had confessed this crap before we were married, I would not have married him. Now I feel like I have no options. I love him and always have and we basically have had a good life/relationship but I'm having a difficult time putting this information out of my mind so that I can focus on now and get over the past. How do I do that?Would you forgive your husband if he admitted to cheating before you were married?
Wow, this is absolutely devastating. I am sorry!





If this was me, I wouldn't have a clue as to what to do, and the only logical thing that comes to mind would be to wait and see how I felt in a week or so, quite possibly a lot longer. Such a serious issue not only needs a lot of thought, but careful and clear planning and communication. Something you can state to him right now is that you are thankfull that he is coming out with the information , that it's going to take a while to process the information, and if he's willing, there will be some questions you'd like to ask him later on, so that he respects the position he's now put you in ,and you want to deal with it later.





your next move should be silence but respect. Don't act hurt or upset ,and go about your days, thinking and processing. Then, as questions arrive, write them down in a book that he doesn't see. In week, look back at the question, and read it over, ask yourself if you still want to know the answer to it. IF yes, then put a tick by it. If no, cross it out in big black marker. After you have a good page or so down, write him a letter, explaining how you feel, and that you have some questions. if he can answer them , and be respectfull, then you're on a good path.


Some questions are better left un answerd like '; was she attractive, did she have a better job, what kind of car does she drive'; anything that gives you and idea of who any of them were, is a no no.





You are going to have to give this time to get used to hearing in your head over and over again.Then you can decide if you trust him or not. This only takes time. His responce and reaction to your request for time , will be a good indication of why he chose to initiate this phase in your lives. why he chose to invite this event into your lives is serious cause for concern and needs to be discussed. Not just the deed, but the fact that he's kept it underwraps for so long like a coward and now things he's given a ticket of free pass because it's past expiration date.. if that's ok in your books, then your job here is easy. This information is not going to leave your mind anytime soon and unfortunately, infidelity affects woman for the rest of their lives. Woman NEVER forget and rarely get over this. The only thing I suggest is counseling.Would you forgive your husband if he admitted to cheating before you were married?
If it was a one-time thing that he felt terrible for before you were married, I would say forgive him. But this is over TEN different women.





At this point you can't really believe a word he says. I would get couseling, if you want, or leave him.
What happened before your marriage should not effect what your marriage is now. But you have every right to be mad that he told you telling you was the worst thing he could have done for both of you
Hell no!





Im sure you didnt sign a prenumpt!


Take him for half and move on... if he did it then he's doing it now!
sounds slightly trollish.





of course if you are serious...I would leave him. that kind of infidelity????
Wow thats A LOT of women he cheated on you with....Hell F*N NO I wouldnt forgive my husband! He could have a child out there for all i would know!!! Who is to say he stopped cheating just because you got married???? ummm...no! He has BEEN cheating the whole time! I would be LIVID!
Greetings Lisa,


You are still in control of your mind and thoughts even though there are some unsettledness going on in your life ...


You speak rationally ... you speak with a hurt and wounded heart, however, your words resound with the coping of your husbands behaviour ... and also resounds of knowing what the eventual outcome will be ...





You have good intelligence, a good loving heart that bears no malice to his atrocious-disrespectful attitude towards you, and so it is time to make the decision that has been surfacing closer and closer in your mind and heart ...





Conduct yourself with the dignity you already possess and trust in the strength you have, to complete your resolution ...





There are new beginnings, a new start awaiting, and this difficult state of being must be resolved first ....





Have trust in yourself, have trust in your strength, and have trust in your decision, and have trust in the transcendence to better things ... :)


I wish you very well in the direction and decision you are facing...


Yours in Peace and Goodwill


Michael ...:)
Uh, I think there is a chance that this is all legit.





Put yourself in his shoes. What would you do after spending all those years dealing with the guilt of this?





So, he has matured, he has faced up to his failures (with some hestiation), and is doing his best to deal with it.





You got angry, triggered his defense reflex, which he (foolishly) handled by blaming you, and that made you angrier.





But yeah, there is some validity in the idea that, by being with many women then, he has satisfied his sexual curiosity and has avoided the urge to explore other women because of it.





I have a friend of a friend whose husband left her because he felt the need to explore other women (emotionally and physically!!). He did it, and several years later they are dating again.





Aren't you grateful to dodge a bullet like that? Whose shoes would you rather be in??





Yeah, this will create trust issues. And this is a nasty blow. You might consider therapy for a while to help you sort out the thoughts and learn how to deal with relationship trust problems in a healthy way.
He is a turd...he cheated...and he was fine with it. Now he is telling you because it bothers him. He did the deed because it felt good. Now he tells to feel good.





I've learned of similar things after years of marriage and it hurts like it is new because of the lies.





I'd tell him it hurts like it is new. And his years of lies mean you can never really trust him now. Plus, add that 'now reserve the right too...'.





BC
Well, you weren't married then, neither of you had made a vow of any sort saying that you only belonged to one another. You hadn't made that level of commitment, so it wasn't actually cheating.





However, I am sure it still hurts. You need to make sure he isn't having an affair now. If you can guarentee that he isn't, then you need to look at the marriage part of your relationship. NOT the part BEFORE the vows. If your marriage is good, know that he has kept his vow to you, and relax. A little forgiveness goes a LONG way.
You weren't an idiot to believe him. He was the idiot to betray you. It's good to be able to trust and put our trust in someone else.





I don't blame you for being hurt. You were betrayed. I think that you need to look at the man he is now and not the man he was. Maybe in his mind he thought of dating as a non-commital kind of situation. It doesn't make it right because he outright lied about it. But people do change and as long as he's trustworthy now then there is hope for your marriage. I'm so sorry that you were betrayed by the man you love. I know I'd have a hard time with this one too. Wow, good luck with this one. Try to talk calmly and rational if you can and get to the bottom of what you want to do. Not sure why he felt the need to tell you and hurt you after all this time. Maybe he felt it would help him to tell you this crap but that is a selfish approach. He is kind of selfish and thoughtless about how it may affect you and the marriage. Good luck and god bless you.