My ex-hubby was a cheater so I know how you feel. There is nothing worse than being with someone you love but don't trust. Since it happened before you were married and you have a beautiful little baby, give him a chance. Wipe the slate clean and try to trust him. He wouldn't of married you if he didn't love you. It's hard because he's away so much and I know how your mind can wander and worry. Just try to enjoy your marriage, push other thoughts aside, but at the same time, be aware that there is always the possibility that he will do it again. Trust me, if something is going on, sooner or later you'll find out about it. If he does it again, than you know that he's a cheater. In that case, leave his @ss and take him for as much as you can. Remember, there are good faithful husbands in the world, and I'm hoping yours is one of them. Good luck to you.I found out he cheated....after we got married....how to cope?
I know you can do it. thanks - z
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Hi,
i got married and 2 weeks before i was due to get married i found out he cheated, but i still married him cos i thought when we were married things would change but they never and sadly it lasted 3 months,
i dont think he will be faithful to you i think you need to get rid of him and start a life for you and your beautiful girl she doesnt want to grow up in a family where there is a bad atmosphere.
your better than that, it does matter that he cheated,
take him for everything and leave him
x x
forget about the past.try why to understand the ground reality.
I'm afraid that this all depends on you, when something like this happens, woman i think tend to hold a grudge longer than men, its the whole was she prettier than me, thinner than me, better in bed that kind of stuff, you have every reason in the world to be mad, if it were me id drop him in a second but then that's because i know id never be able to forgive a cheat and know I'm worth more than that, if men dont treat me with respect I'm off, however like you say you have just had a baby, and are now married, id say if you think you can over this and one day forgive him then its worth a try, marriage is hard work anyway, but he should have been honest with you beforehand, but if you think that you cannot forgive this or forget it then get out, why should you tear yourself apart over this, it'll only end up destroying you, i think you need to sit down and really think long and hard on this, people can advise you, but they do not know you and its harder to advise best when you do not have an understanding of the person asking the question, i wish you all the luck in the world whatever choice you make,
I believe that you have a genuine concern over not just a betrayal but his attempt to conceal the truth from you. This is not something that you can just ';Get over';. You should consider counselling. The stage that you and your husband are in (young children) is critical. This is a very stressful time for a marriage and you both need to have a clear understanding of each other and what are the needs of your marriage.
Having a new baby is a blessing and i think that alone should take your mind off what he did. Am not in support of him but who knows, he could have done it just because he was gonna get married and that will be the end, one woman till death do us part. Its human nature darling, men sometimes feel they have to do certain things because they are men, cut him some slack and concentrate on the new baby am sure he/she will need you sweet, ';sane'; and healthy. Congratulation and instead of arguing try being in his shoes he might tell you more if he knows you will forgive him and you will know where you stand with him, marriage is not an easy thing, it entails a lot than you think. Patience is a virtue, pragmatism is a savior and if you forgive you keep. Peace.
I am a firm believer that love can conquer all.....and infidelity before marriage doesn't count when seeking grounds for a divorce....HOWEVER, a serious breach of trust has occurred. Only you can decide if your husband is worthy of your love, loyalty and devotion....and that is best handled by you and a GOOD therapist. (be careful....lots of lame therapists out there). Words are one thing....watch his actions. If he is true to his words his actions will reflect it...I don't mean spy or stalk...I mean little nuances that are not comfortable for you or make you think twice. Invite him to therapy with you to help both of you repair the trust that has been broken. Make a consious decision to try to honor your vows. Divorce is a last resort but not the end of your life.
Respectfully, its like in the Army. If someone marries someone that is already in the Army, they should realize that there are going to be times they're not together. Deployments, field training, soldiers 24/7 and can always be called in even in the middle of the night. I'm sure you knew he was a airline pilot before you married him? I'm sure you knew he wouldn't be home very often. So, now that thats out of the way... He cheated with you before you were married? And from what you say, you must have been pregnant at the time. I mean, he should have been thinking about, ';what am I going to do being a pilot and a dad'; rather than ';that flight attendant is cute';. If you hadn't had been pregnant, It would be a lot different. I mean, if you weren't that may have been his test to see if he's ready to get married. I mean, its wrong to do. If you're with someone, be with that someone. But people are going to make mistakes. The only way to get past it is to just realize that he is with you. Trust is hard enough to gain, with him gone, I'm sure its worse. I'm sure eventually, once he regains your trust, you'll get over whatever happened. Good luck!
its time to consider if you can forgive and go on, or if you think he will do it again, and the turst is gone
Tell him he should be worried what you do when he isn't around.
You are obsessing over something that happened before you were married.
What does that have to do with TODAY!
Presumably he got his ';last fling'; out of the way and married you anyway.
Until you found out you had no inkling that his affections were being shared ,so where is the problem? This did not affect your feelings in any way until you found out how ';betrayed'; you were.
You are on the way to destroying your marriage because of your own fear and insecurity.
Deal with today.
Grow Up and get over it already.
First you need to put urself back together. You need to reconsider your option. Is this how you wanna live the rest of your life? Wondering every day whether he is true and faithful to you or not? Whether he will he cheat on you again or not? Which in my opinion guys do.. You have to be very strong for your daughter and also be a role model. What would you tell your daughter if she asks you the same question? Would you tell her to get over it and save the marraige for her kids or save the kids and get out of the marraige? Nobody can tell you what to do. If your husband is really sorry about that then i'm sure you can feel his apoligizes.
Even though you were going out at that time. It does matter whether he was true to you or not.
Take your time and think about it wise and clear. Its nor only for your good but also for your new born daughter's sake.
And if thats his excuse that he only gets to see u only 2 days a week. and that promted him to have an affair with some flight attendent, is lame.. If he wanted to be close to his wife and family than he can change his profession. And its also about self control and faitfulness. If he is in a relationship than he has to respect the boundries.
Why does it make a difference whether you found out before or after marrying him? A betrayal is still a betrayal. Easy for him to say it doesn't matter. I wonder if it wouldn't matter to him if the shoe was on the other foot. No, I am not advising you to cheat on him to get even. What I am advising you to do however is get a divorce before you have any more kids with your.....ehem.....husband with the interesting morals.
no choice now it to late, but get over it, cause it happen before your marriage and be carefully he may see her again, them do work together right!!!!!
Try to adjust or settle the dispute amicably
No. He is a totally different person to you now and that wont change. A seed is planted it will continue to grow.
So sorry, but for all of your sakes, you shouldnt be together.
You can either forgive him or forget him.
If he just come to home for 2 days in a week.. then there is something wrong, i wonder y he doesn't have any sympathy with u, u have to be very strong, for sorting out ur problem 'n' to look after ur kid.
sorry to hear your situation.i want to ask when ur husband cheated to u was at tht time u both commited?If not then i dont think that you should worry,but if he was then already attached to you in a relationship,then i am sorry to say but he is playing two faces.By the way you said he asked you to forget about the whole situation and relax it doesnt seem that he is in the least sorry for the whole issue.A person should understand that being in luv is not about getting married and having kids but also to keep up ur spouses trust.You better talk to him frankly and speak ur mind to him,just see how much he gives importance to ur thoughts and feelings about the whole issue.If he is too casual about the whole issue,then it is time for u to watch out.If he is sorry and is accepting his fault for hurting ur feelings then it is worth giving another try.Please think about your daughter before taking any action,coz it will affect her a lot.just one thing more hope u r financially dependent to take any step.
Did you notice that the majority of the other answers suggest or support the idea of calling the relationship you entered off?
The US has between a 50 to 75 % divorce rate with most reasons having nothing to do with fidelity. You atleast can clam that. But the biggest factors the allows the divorce senario are the quick willingness to take that road, and not making sure that the fundamental beliefs of the man and woman are close enough to keep the moral choices in tact.
Most men are faced with a very perplexing situation. I know that this is a very big factor. It is considered unmanly for a man to be fidel to a woman, it is looked as being weak or something to that direction.
There is also something in stress factors that may weaken a mans will, as sex can (and one of the reasons it can become addictive) produce comfort chemicals. Then there is a power factor. Some men have more enjoyment knowing they can convence a woman to have sex with him willing (see Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky).
Without good moral foundations there is no solid foundation to make good judgements and relationships. With as many people as there are who would try to say there is no reason to go ';religious';, it is no wonder that people are getting their rights and wrongs a mixed up.
With regards to marriage, by historic tradition:
A man used to be entitled to take on as many women as wives as he could provide for. This is even allowed by Holy Scriptures. ( The only place that it says anything about one man with one wife is a suggestion to men who create a living dependance on being a minister of the word of God). However, every woman is entitled to be fully satisfied by her husband.
Biologically:
A woman is by biology, only able to serve one man ( she can concieve the child to only one man at a time). She is wired to such a dedicated way of thinking.
Men are able to have a child by as many women as he can have sex with. This means that in the time it takes a single woman to concieve and give birth to a child, that child's father can have, say at one new woman per day, 270 children ( I hope I never see the day this is realized). Therefore, a man is wired to seek many women. But this does not mean that he is not in love with one or even all of them.
Our society:
Over the last 250 years, the idea that a man can only have one wife was created. It is more of a control over people than any thing else. However, this idea was coupled with the idea that a man had to marry a woman if he kissed, much less had sex with, her. It was considered a noble and manly thing for a man to be devoted and true from the very beginning.
Our society has changed that. Now the idea that a man should marry a woman he has had sex with is considered a blasphamous joke. The idea of a man being fathful is hard to believe. The idea that a woman will be a virgin until married, is now entering historic myth.
Like it or not, we must now adapt our social ideology surrounding the marriage and family. If we do not, we will suffer further breakdowns in society as people get confused as to what is acceptable and what is not.
To this end, I propose these things (proceed carefully as you must be sure that you can accept anything you claim that you will accept and believe):
1) There is a birth cycle that a woman should pursue. This includes 18 being the earliest age for a woman to be able to have sex (with the man she is determined to live with for life).
*This birth cycle works thus: the woman has sex upto the eight month of pregnancy, afterwords she enters an abstinate stage. For 1 full year after the birth of the child she works (physical fitness) on regaining her phycisal health, allowing the body to fully recover from the recent pregnancy. She does not allow herself to get pregnant again until the child is at least 3 but not older than 5.
2) the man may, if he chooses, have sex with other women if the following are met:
a) if a man has sex with a woman who is not a wife, then he must enter into a presexual agreement, which he must pay 1/4 of his monthly earnings to that woman for each occurance of sex. This money is to releave him of any responsibilities should she get prenant as a result.
b) if a man has sex with a woman who he does not provide the presexual funds prior to having sex and without the use of any intoxicants for either person prior to the first sex event, then he must take on the full responsibility of Husband, and consider the woman his wife.
*note that if intoxicants are used prior to a first sex event, then the man can be said to have committed an act of rape (an intoxicant can subdue a person's normal resistance to the advance of a sexual event).
3) A woman may have sex with a man, other than her husband, if she has endevoured to be exlusive and find that he can not provide full satisfaction that she desires, and has had two children following the reproductive cycle, and is at least 21 years of age. She must inform her husband of the exact man she is agreeing to enter into a presexual agreement with, and must be able to prove without any doubt that that man has absolutely no diseases (safesex devices do not assure safe sex). The presexual agreement only allows for a sexual relation, with the emotional relation remaining tied to her husband. Any child concieved and born by the woman shall be considered to be that of her husband, whether he is the genetic father or not.The husband may only say no if he suspects the other man has some kind of disease.
While the woman should undergo the period of abstinance, the man should, by biology, remain sexually active. This results in a man being allowed mutliple wives, all of whom he must be able to keep well satisfied at all times.
The earliest age that a male may start having sex is 16, however, prior to 18 he is not allowed to take a wife. He must therefore enter into a presexual agreement, with the minimum amount to be paid to absolve the duties per sex event being no less than $500 earned by the male by work and not given to him by any persons as gifts or loans. This is to allow the male to learn how to be able to satisfy the woman or women that he takes as wife. (this is a physical and therefore learned activity, which is why so many men can not satisfy their women, because they have no one showing them how).
Now, as to your situation, it makes it harder because you do not get to see your husband very often. If you can not re-establish your trust, and you do need to have a common belief system between you and your husband to get that back, then you have only one choice. You must have him die to you and your child.
This does not mean a physical death.
It means that you must sever all ties that bind, you can not even attend the same church, or share the same friends. To you and all you know, he must be dead, and to him you must be dead. You child must be given a new father this should be done after your morning period of one year. You must be sure that your new husband is of the same belief as your own. This does not mean that you are the same in all aspects of life, just the religio-moral aspect. Remember, your child is now the most important aspect of this whole thing, not you, not your husband. Your child must have a stable loving environment that builds positive esteam. The evidence is strong that the broken by divorce family does damage to all children, even when they still grow strong, there is still damage.
I know this is excentric, but we live in unstable times, and excentric ideas that can bring back measurable self-controls are what is in order now.
you only have two options stay and deal with it or leave, yes it is that simple because you haven't been together that long. The baby will be fine.
yea u will get past it.........one day u just need to sit down by yourself and just think about the situation, let all ur anger and sadness put anyway you can, positively....then when ur done cryin or watever say to urself that ok that was pain that he made me feel ive let it out now i need to get past it and over it.....try it seriously it helps
It is important to forget and forgive.
You wrote';He told me it was before we were married and doesnt matter. I think it does';, I do agree with you.
But.
I hope he has not straied since marrage. Past is past , think of the future and leave his past behind.
All Airline air crew have similar situations they are hardly home. You knew that, he may not be home, when you married him.
Your profile indicates that you miss your family, so is it possible for him to change his home base to a city near your family home so you can have more family support.
But it is all up to you and him to work thing out inspite of the past.
Think things over, take some legal, imotional and religious advice if you can, if you must, if this is unbearable.
Time heals all, allow some time, enjoy the extra time to bond well with your daughter, make the most of the life, the happiest people are the ones that learn to make lemonade out of the lemon. So learn from the lessons that life has taught you so far, and use it to creat batter healthy happy life for you and your whole family. Give and take is the rule of the life, live by it.
talk to him first
My heart goes out to you. Right now, you are dealing with feelings of betrayal (and rightly so), as well as the stresses of being married and a new mother. Your best option right now is counseling, for the both of you. If he won't go, then go alone. At this time, also realize that the level of stress you are dealing with is not good for your little one. Stop a moment and realize that any issues right now are secondary to your daughter's well being. You need to take care of you; if you don't feel a sense of security, start doing things that make you feel stronger about yourself. Take an online college course. Keep up your skills that you had BEFORE you got married. Look in the mirror and realize that you are a role model for your daughter. Dry the tears, find a support network of friends, and love him, but stop worrying about him. You are important, too. You don't get past a betrayal--you simply learn that you are stronger than it. Good luck and God bless.
Mistake was yours. You relied on him so quickly %26amp; took hasty decision of marriage without finding out his background. Now, either tell him to stop this habit at once %26amp; adjust with him or leave him judicially if u can withstand future problems. I'm sorry to tell that u have not many options
Tell him you are not sure if the baby is his.
Let him sweat for a couple weeks.
You can't trust someone that comes home only 2 days a week? You knew he was an airline pilot before you married him. You may or may not learn to trust him again and that is totally up to you if you want to go forward. Sometimes it takes a mediator to work through issues like this in a marriage.
I would ask him to take a lie detector test to see if he's still cheating on you. You can get this done for $50 (look in the yellow pages).
If he is, definitely leave him. You can do better and a cheater isn't going to make you happy.
He is most likely cheating on you now. Some woman live their entire married life's with a cheat. You have to decide. However calling him a jerk tells me that love is lost. Good luck
When your husband has cheated you, why not you cheat him. Atleast then, he will realise his mixtake.
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