Getting my soon to be ex to cope?

After 6 years of a not so happy marriage (12 year relationship) I left my husband. I lived with a friend for about 2 months and managed to get my own place. I had been thinking about leaving my husband for probably about a year and one day had enough. Our issues were everything from financial problems to verbal/emotional abuse. I felt for a long time he might be depressed but was always afraid to tell him because I didn't want to deal with his reaction to that. I spent the first several years of our relationship thinking I could make him happy. Spent a long time feeling like I wasn't good enough because he would critisize what seemed to be my every move. From cooking to cleaning to how I would dress, intamacy, or even change a diaper... I couldn't do anything right. I would cope by shopping (i know, bad idea... paying for it now trust me) I got to the point where credit cards were maxed and I was hiding the bills to avoid more arguemnets ( I know, i know... another bad idea) I wouldn't be honest with him about where all the money was going and he'd just find out later and it would be world war 3. He would threaten to leave me, he cut off my access to money that he made and still left me in charge of paying for household things and not having enough. He wasn't willing to help me at all with any of that. And all of that is just the tip of the iceburg Being on the downward spiral for as long as we were I found myself not in love with him anymore. I couldn't even be in the same room without feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack. We slept in seperate rooms for months before i left, and I would even use my child to sleep between us when i did have to sleep in the same bed as him.


So I left.... it was UGLY. But now everyday is a different rollercoaster with him. One day he loves me... wants me to come back, can't live without me. Next he is accusing me of cheating, the next he hates me and tells me he hopes I die in a car accident. Then he shows up at my house (after walking 17 miles) with roses and a speech about his love for me. I can't take it... I don't love him anymore and he is not willing to take NO for an answer. I just want both of us to pick up our pieces and move on. I don't want anyone else... I just want to be able to be myself and raise my kids and do the best I can do a co-parenting. But he is adament that I don't leave him (which I already did) He is relentless. Turns out I was right about him being depressed and he is seeking treatment for that... turns out he has been very depressed for a long time and is just now being able to identify that. I am so glad he is getting the help he needs, and I totally support his treatment. But I can't be there for him the way he wants me to be. He wants me as his wife and I just can't be that anymore. And to top it all off... he is also out of work. I know he must feel like the world is crashing down on him and me leaving him is just kicking him while he is down. He tells me he doesn't know how he will ever get through this and beggs me daily to come back. I can't, I won't... How do I get him to cope... or can I?Getting my soon to be ex to cope?
You need to stand firm and give him no false hope. He treated you badly for so long without complaints that he figures he can bully or sweet talk you right back home. Leaving is one thing, but until you file for divorce he will always think the door is still open to the marriage.Getting my soon to be ex to cope?
It is called co-dependancy. You left him. That means only one thing.





You left him!





Move on with your life.





Go away. Be somewhere you cannot be found. Communicate through e mail so you can control your life.





Or keep playing games.
This may not be the answer your looking for but....It is not your place to get him to cope. Your responsibility is your children first, then you, period!


I understand your compassion for some one you use to love, but lets face it, he is no longer the person you fell in love with, that guy is gone, and you would not accept this behavior for some one you just met. There for it may require a restraining order and use of the local po po.
I feel for you so much, and for your child. And for him. But please, if he wants therapy, grab it like manna from heaven. Problem with most abusive guys is they refuse to get help and find it too convenient to blame the wife. If he wants therapy then your moves and strength (which you obviously don't know you have, it's been so drained) have helped him come to this amazingly positive stance.


Don't worry, going to therapy won't mean, no way, that you have to go back to him or that it will make him expect too much. But let's face it, you can move to the North Pole or Timbuktu, but a relationship with this guy you still have. You still care about him because the love hasn't died and why should it? Maybe it just needs to manifest in a different way that isn't necessarily that of cohabitation, and therapy gives you both a great chance to seek out the way forward.


Please give it a go. It's a rare chance to make you and your child physically and emotionally safer. No harm in trying - but remember, it's not going to be resolved in the first 10 sessions. Try to be at peace with yourself and give the relationship a chance to resolve itself in a way that doesn't have to involve the police. Friends who love you may just tell you to give him S**T but really that's not what's going to help either of you in the long run


Just one last thought - your rejection of therapy may also be fuelled by your own fears of succumbing to his demands because of the love you still feel. You need help with this, and where better than before a therapist. The therapist can also help you with your shopaholicism - another fearful thing to confront - so maybe get your own therapist too, if you need support as an individual, as well as together with him.
leaving him.. might be a only right idea.. as u say u can't live with him now.. leave the place %26amp; him as soon as possible..





first.. thing of a place .. were he cant find u


next.. search for work





all set..suddenly leave the place as said earlier..





first it will be pain ful.. but it is far more better than painful future..





don't worry..





all the best


all the best
yeah, right. he keeps coming to u cos u keep accepting him. when i left my husband i decided that this was it. so i told him i didn't want any contact with him (cos i really didn't) and i told him next come he comes to my apartment i would call the police. we have 3 kids - they come visit him every weekend over night. i drive them there, he drives them then back. we haven't had any contact for 5 years now. when i told him i was leaving him he nearly killed me and cried and told that he couldn't live without me and kids. he seems fine now. so the key is to stop all contacts with him. and u do not need to keep any contact with him because of the children. if u do u can write him emails.
My marriage was a lot like yours. I can relate to both you and your husband. My soon to be ex husband can relate to you both as well. It's hard, I'm sorry you are going through this.





He won't move on until he accepts it. He won't stop telling you mean and then nice things until he truely accepts you are not going to be together again. Through counseling hopefully he will accept it. It has taken me 9 months to accept the fact I'm not going to be with husband anymore





Good luck